so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
