Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
