she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
