all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
