Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
