When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
