see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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