My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
