I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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