winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
