I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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