You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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