Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
