"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
