I'm going to jail i love you
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Acid is not a monday night drug
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
