I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
