It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
