my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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