you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
