I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
