i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
