Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize