We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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