does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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