The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
