i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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