It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
