Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
