My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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