I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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