During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
