I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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