mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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