why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize