mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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