My room smells like vodka and shame
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
