Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Michael Bay diarrhea
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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