I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
