what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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