The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize