A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
