I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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