Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
