I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
