The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
