Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sorry my hands just texted you
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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