I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
that may or may not have been my penis.
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