someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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