He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize