why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
