if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bang-toberfest begins!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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