can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
