He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
