Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
