theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I understand Curling. That high.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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