there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
