after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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