I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I understand Curling. That high.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
