oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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