I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me i tasted like america
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
