im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
